Too Much, Too Soon...
Hey Annie:
I have a bad situation, maybe you can help. I met a girl 8 months ago and fell madly in love with her. We were perfect together. We got along so well together and fell madly in love. We went away together, she bought me a ring. When we returned from vacation I met her family, her parents and I got along well.
She lives upstairs from 2 other girls. About 4 months ago they told her they saw me enter her apartment when she wasn’t home. I told her it was impossible because I don’t have a key and there was no way I could have done it, I was with her on the day they claimed that it happened. It has created a big problem and she has lost trust in me. I am devastated, she wont talk to me. When something happens she doesn’t like in her life she sends me a text blaming me. I really loved this girl with all my heart and would never harm her in any way. Help me?
Torn Apart...
Hey Torn:
Your girlfriend doesn’t have good boundaries. She Let you in too fast, she listened to others with out good information and she shut you out just as quickly while continuing to torture and blame you for her emotions. This is all her way of creating the space she didn't leave herself to think. In this way, you were perfect together. You too gave too much of yourself away too quickly. It takes a while to get to know some people. If you want to be sure you really know someone before you trust them so deeply with your heart, you must slow down. You want love, we all feel that, and you want to share your love. But love is precious because it’s special and that means protecting a special place in your heart and life for it. It isn’t to be given away lightly. When you give your heart slowly, carefully, you not only keep it safe, you allow yourself the leisure to really feel the joy of falling, slowly, in love...
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com
Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com
Thursday, September 02, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
If You Don't Ask, You'll Never Know...
Hey Annie:
I have been married to my husband for 2 years. We are very lucky to live in a state that allows gays to marry and when it became possible we did it right away. We’d been together for 8 years already and have been great together through good and bad. There was no question for either of us that we wanted to get married and that we would have stayed together for life even if it never became legal. We own a home and share wonderful friends, a community that is supportive, fun with family, travel, we have it all...
I have never thought that my husband was unfaithful. Through years together before the marriage we were always honest, and steadfast in our commitment and fidelity. I’ve never had reason to believe he would do anything to hurt me. He is honest with me even when it’s something I wont like, I have never known him to lie, to anyone. Even though I don’t think he has cheated I am bothered by something that I thought I could let go of, and find that I can’t forget.
On our wedding day, while I was greeting guests he was getting ready in another part of the building. He had spent the morning dealing with caterers and flowers and musicians and needed time to prep just as the first early birds began arriving. I remembered that I had his bow tie in my jacket pocket. I went to give it to him and I walked in on him as he was kissing an old friend, a woman, passionately! It was not a friendly kiss. He had his arms around her and their mouths were open, tongues were definitely involved. I was so shocked, I didn’t speak! I set the tie down on the counter and quietly backed out of the room. I don’t think either of them ever knew I was there. My husband has never indicated to me that he is bisexual.
I walked out of that room and decided that I loved him, that nothing could stop me from loving him, and therefore from marrying him. I walked down that aisle without reservations and I don’t regret it. I made a choice that day not to tell him what I saw because I didn’t want to ruin our beautiful day. The time never came before the honeymoon, we went to Aruba, I didn’t bring it up there either, we were having so much fun and it was so romantic. As time went by it seemed less and less important.
Now though, 2 years later, I wonder if I should say something. I have never forgotten it. I am still confused. He has given me no reason to worry. I don’t know much about the woman, though I know they were friends in college as that’s how he introduced her to me at the reception. I’ve not seen her or heard anything about her since. What would you do?
Curiouser & Curiouser...
Hey Curiouser:
I want you to ask him. For totally selfish reasons because I want to know myself. What an avowedly gay man was doing making out with a chick right before his Big Fat Gay Wedding to the love of his perfect gay life?!
I can only guess. If I accept that your husband is not bisexual, which is a really vague state of being, hard to define, then maybe he was kissing goodbye the life he was never going to have, the wife, the kids.
As you recognize, marriage and a house with a life long love has not always been on the menu for gay men. You say he knew this woman from college. She was his friend, and, perhaps she was his final try at having a “normal” life. Perhaps he never told you about it because once he decided it wasn’t what he wanted he walked away and never looked back until the day she showed up in a pretty dress at his wedding and he wanted to give one last kiss goodbye to the woman who might have given him “normal” but couldn’t give him the fulfilled life he’s built with you. I’ve never met anyone (contrary to what the religious right insists is god’s own truth) who chose to be gay, but I have known many gay people who tried to be straight, even if just for one drunken night in college with a trusted friend.
Of course, this is all conjecture on my part. You probably have a story you’ve made up too. How could you not? This is good stuff for making up stories as you lie next to your love in bed at night unable to sleep, eaten up with curiosity. Of course, there’s no way either of us will ever know unless you ask him. You could hand him this column. It say’s a lot about how you trust him and love him. That’s a great way to start a slightly scary conversation. Or you could just tell him that you saw him, that you aren’t afraid or angry, but DYING from curiosity and would he give you the real scoop so you can put your stories to rest at last. I’ll bet he’ll laugh when he realizes you’ve been wondering for 2 years. I did. Of course there is the possibility that asking him will mean hearing something hard, but I think you two have enough bank to take a hit and work it out. I believe you can make it through something weird or scary. I’ll bet you do too...
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com
Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com
Hey Annie:
I have been married to my husband for 2 years. We are very lucky to live in a state that allows gays to marry and when it became possible we did it right away. We’d been together for 8 years already and have been great together through good and bad. There was no question for either of us that we wanted to get married and that we would have stayed together for life even if it never became legal. We own a home and share wonderful friends, a community that is supportive, fun with family, travel, we have it all...
I have never thought that my husband was unfaithful. Through years together before the marriage we were always honest, and steadfast in our commitment and fidelity. I’ve never had reason to believe he would do anything to hurt me. He is honest with me even when it’s something I wont like, I have never known him to lie, to anyone. Even though I don’t think he has cheated I am bothered by something that I thought I could let go of, and find that I can’t forget.
On our wedding day, while I was greeting guests he was getting ready in another part of the building. He had spent the morning dealing with caterers and flowers and musicians and needed time to prep just as the first early birds began arriving. I remembered that I had his bow tie in my jacket pocket. I went to give it to him and I walked in on him as he was kissing an old friend, a woman, passionately! It was not a friendly kiss. He had his arms around her and their mouths were open, tongues were definitely involved. I was so shocked, I didn’t speak! I set the tie down on the counter and quietly backed out of the room. I don’t think either of them ever knew I was there. My husband has never indicated to me that he is bisexual.
I walked out of that room and decided that I loved him, that nothing could stop me from loving him, and therefore from marrying him. I walked down that aisle without reservations and I don’t regret it. I made a choice that day not to tell him what I saw because I didn’t want to ruin our beautiful day. The time never came before the honeymoon, we went to Aruba, I didn’t bring it up there either, we were having so much fun and it was so romantic. As time went by it seemed less and less important.
Now though, 2 years later, I wonder if I should say something. I have never forgotten it. I am still confused. He has given me no reason to worry. I don’t know much about the woman, though I know they were friends in college as that’s how he introduced her to me at the reception. I’ve not seen her or heard anything about her since. What would you do?
Curiouser & Curiouser...
Hey Curiouser:
I want you to ask him. For totally selfish reasons because I want to know myself. What an avowedly gay man was doing making out with a chick right before his Big Fat Gay Wedding to the love of his perfect gay life?!
I can only guess. If I accept that your husband is not bisexual, which is a really vague state of being, hard to define, then maybe he was kissing goodbye the life he was never going to have, the wife, the kids.
As you recognize, marriage and a house with a life long love has not always been on the menu for gay men. You say he knew this woman from college. She was his friend, and, perhaps she was his final try at having a “normal” life. Perhaps he never told you about it because once he decided it wasn’t what he wanted he walked away and never looked back until the day she showed up in a pretty dress at his wedding and he wanted to give one last kiss goodbye to the woman who might have given him “normal” but couldn’t give him the fulfilled life he’s built with you. I’ve never met anyone (contrary to what the religious right insists is god’s own truth) who chose to be gay, but I have known many gay people who tried to be straight, even if just for one drunken night in college with a trusted friend.
Of course, this is all conjecture on my part. You probably have a story you’ve made up too. How could you not? This is good stuff for making up stories as you lie next to your love in bed at night unable to sleep, eaten up with curiosity. Of course, there’s no way either of us will ever know unless you ask him. You could hand him this column. It say’s a lot about how you trust him and love him. That’s a great way to start a slightly scary conversation. Or you could just tell him that you saw him, that you aren’t afraid or angry, but DYING from curiosity and would he give you the real scoop so you can put your stories to rest at last. I’ll bet he’ll laugh when he realizes you’ve been wondering for 2 years. I did. Of course there is the possibility that asking him will mean hearing something hard, but I think you two have enough bank to take a hit and work it out. I believe you can make it through something weird or scary. I’ll bet you do too...
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com
Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
You & Me Against - Her...
Hey Annie:
I'm seeing a guy but we are not exclusive. He is also seeing someone else who is pushing him for exclusivity. I am starting to get the feeling he is using me against her, implying that if she pushes too hard, he will pick me. To what extent is it my responsibility to get him to act more respectfully toward this other woman (whom I've never met and don't particularly like based on his descriptions)? She is now upset that he isn’t going to a wedding with her which happens to fall on my birthday, which he is spending with me.
This is probably starting to sound really weird to you. But the point is, I don't think he should have to choose between us if he doesn't want to, and I also don't think he should have to feel stretched thin so she doesn't have a meltdown, but I feel bad about it. Why do I feel bad about it?
One of Two But In The Middle...
Hey One:
I understand how it can be hard to see this when you’re so close, but from here the reason you feel bad is easy to see. You say you don’t like the other woman because of things he’s said to you (why does he say things about her to you that make you not like her?) and that you know she wants him to herself, that she’s hurt about his spending your birthday with you instead of at the wedding (why does either of you know that?) and that he’s using you to keep her at a distance, but still engaged. That’s all really icky.
I am assuming that none of you are officially polyamorous since there is talk of exclusivity among you. In situations like this it is best to keep disclosure to a minimum. He doesn’t need to tell you as much as he is, and my instinct is that he talks as much about you when he’s with her as he does about her when he’s with you. This is a distancing device he is using to keep you both from expecting too much from him or getting too close. Personally, I would opt out of the role of therapist, adviser and confidant. It’s making you feel bad because it feels like you and him against her. There’s probably a part of you that wonders if it’s the same when they talk about you. Likely you don’t usually act like a character out of Mean Girls and this role feels wrong for you.
If you choose to keep seeing this man let him know that you don’t want to talk about her when you’re together. Spend time with him and see if you like him without the added tension her constant presence brings to your time together. If she weren’t in the picture would you like him, want him, as much as you do? Respectfully request that he simply answer invitations from you with a ‘yes, I would like to do that’ or a ‘no, I have plans’ and see if you feel better with out the drama. I imagine this will leave you feeling a little out of control. That’s actually a good thing, because you are not in control of anything but your own choices and your own behavior anyway. Even when you feel like the snarking about her means you and he are on the same team you really aren’t. I have a feeling he is playing only for himself. It’s fine if you choose to play anyway, but don’t forget who’s game this is. Make sure you have basic information: how many other people he’s dating, if he is using protection when he has sex and to let you know when he feels prepared to make a commitment to someone. Be prepared for the dynamic between you to shift and just pay attention to how your relationship unfolds. The only part you're always in charge of is your own behavior and your own choices...
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com
Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com
Hey Annie:
I'm seeing a guy but we are not exclusive. He is also seeing someone else who is pushing him for exclusivity. I am starting to get the feeling he is using me against her, implying that if she pushes too hard, he will pick me. To what extent is it my responsibility to get him to act more respectfully toward this other woman (whom I've never met and don't particularly like based on his descriptions)? She is now upset that he isn’t going to a wedding with her which happens to fall on my birthday, which he is spending with me.
This is probably starting to sound really weird to you. But the point is, I don't think he should have to choose between us if he doesn't want to, and I also don't think he should have to feel stretched thin so she doesn't have a meltdown, but I feel bad about it. Why do I feel bad about it?
One of Two But In The Middle...
Hey One:
I understand how it can be hard to see this when you’re so close, but from here the reason you feel bad is easy to see. You say you don’t like the other woman because of things he’s said to you (why does he say things about her to you that make you not like her?) and that you know she wants him to herself, that she’s hurt about his spending your birthday with you instead of at the wedding (why does either of you know that?) and that he’s using you to keep her at a distance, but still engaged. That’s all really icky.
I am assuming that none of you are officially polyamorous since there is talk of exclusivity among you. In situations like this it is best to keep disclosure to a minimum. He doesn’t need to tell you as much as he is, and my instinct is that he talks as much about you when he’s with her as he does about her when he’s with you. This is a distancing device he is using to keep you both from expecting too much from him or getting too close. Personally, I would opt out of the role of therapist, adviser and confidant. It’s making you feel bad because it feels like you and him against her. There’s probably a part of you that wonders if it’s the same when they talk about you. Likely you don’t usually act like a character out of Mean Girls and this role feels wrong for you.
If you choose to keep seeing this man let him know that you don’t want to talk about her when you’re together. Spend time with him and see if you like him without the added tension her constant presence brings to your time together. If she weren’t in the picture would you like him, want him, as much as you do? Respectfully request that he simply answer invitations from you with a ‘yes, I would like to do that’ or a ‘no, I have plans’ and see if you feel better with out the drama. I imagine this will leave you feeling a little out of control. That’s actually a good thing, because you are not in control of anything but your own choices and your own behavior anyway. Even when you feel like the snarking about her means you and he are on the same team you really aren’t. I have a feeling he is playing only for himself. It’s fine if you choose to play anyway, but don’t forget who’s game this is. Make sure you have basic information: how many other people he’s dating, if he is using protection when he has sex and to let you know when he feels prepared to make a commitment to someone. Be prepared for the dynamic between you to shift and just pay attention to how your relationship unfolds. The only part you're always in charge of is your own behavior and your own choices...
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com
Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com
Friday, August 06, 2010
The One Thing...
Hey Annie:
My boyfriend Frank is a great guy. He is 10 years older than me, has a successful business and we have a lot of fun together. We get along really well except for one problem: When we're out with friends and he's had a few drinks, he tends to make jokes at other people's expense that aren't funny. These comments are cutting and can be mean at times.
I don't mind so much if he does this with his friends, but I hate it when he does it with mine because he doesn't even know some of them very well. I have asked him repeatedly to stop doing this but he doesn't.
He doesn't drink excessively -- just two or three drinks when we're out socially.
This behavior interferes with my feelings for him and I get really turned off. Even having me withdraw from him afterward for a few days doesn't make a difference in his behavior.
The Girl With The Obnoxious Jerk Boyfriend
Hey Girl:
Frank is not a “great guy.” He is a mean person who has learned to keep his natural tendency to make mean, cutting remarks to others in check until he relaxes with a couple of drinks. For now he focuses these attacks on other people, but he won’t have these friends for long, and soon you won’t have any friends either. Then he’ll have no one left to say cruel, cutting things to, except you. Your boyfriend needs someone to say these things to because it’s his tool for wrestling with how little he likes himself. Of course, it’s also part of the reason he dislikes himself. This is a conundrum for him. It is not one I suggest you stick around to help him work out.
If you do decide to try there is only one truly effective method for dealing with this type of behavior and it is to challenge it, every time, in the moment as you would with a puppy who peed on the rug. Point out the problem, express your dislike for it and distance yourself immediately.
Explain to your boyfriend, once, that you have tried to discuss this with him and have seen no improvement. Let him know it has become intolerable. Tell him in advance that the next time you are out with him and he makes a cruel remark to someone, anyone, you will leave. Then follow through. Immediately after he utters the offending words look at him and say, “Frank. That was unkind and I don’t like it when you treat So & So like that. Goodnight.” Then get up and go. If your friends are present you could offer to go elsewhere with them. If Franks friends are there, well, they can decide for themselves if they want to stick around.
Remember, as with a puppy, this must happen immediately. Frank must understand that you have a zero tolerance policy for this behavior. My best guess is that this will be intolerable to Frank and he’ll try to make this an argument about how YOU embarrassed HIM in front of people, but I could be wrong. People can change if they are motivated enough. Most often the disapproval of a partner is not sufficient motivation but on occasion it can make a difference. Don’t do it to change him though. Do it because it is and should be the truth. His behavior IS intolerable and tolerating it makes you a party to it...
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com
Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com
Hey Annie:
My boyfriend Frank is a great guy. He is 10 years older than me, has a successful business and we have a lot of fun together. We get along really well except for one problem: When we're out with friends and he's had a few drinks, he tends to make jokes at other people's expense that aren't funny. These comments are cutting and can be mean at times.
I don't mind so much if he does this with his friends, but I hate it when he does it with mine because he doesn't even know some of them very well. I have asked him repeatedly to stop doing this but he doesn't.
He doesn't drink excessively -- just two or three drinks when we're out socially.
This behavior interferes with my feelings for him and I get really turned off. Even having me withdraw from him afterward for a few days doesn't make a difference in his behavior.
The Girl With The Obnoxious Jerk Boyfriend
Hey Girl:
Frank is not a “great guy.” He is a mean person who has learned to keep his natural tendency to make mean, cutting remarks to others in check until he relaxes with a couple of drinks. For now he focuses these attacks on other people, but he won’t have these friends for long, and soon you won’t have any friends either. Then he’ll have no one left to say cruel, cutting things to, except you. Your boyfriend needs someone to say these things to because it’s his tool for wrestling with how little he likes himself. Of course, it’s also part of the reason he dislikes himself. This is a conundrum for him. It is not one I suggest you stick around to help him work out.
If you do decide to try there is only one truly effective method for dealing with this type of behavior and it is to challenge it, every time, in the moment as you would with a puppy who peed on the rug. Point out the problem, express your dislike for it and distance yourself immediately.
Explain to your boyfriend, once, that you have tried to discuss this with him and have seen no improvement. Let him know it has become intolerable. Tell him in advance that the next time you are out with him and he makes a cruel remark to someone, anyone, you will leave. Then follow through. Immediately after he utters the offending words look at him and say, “Frank. That was unkind and I don’t like it when you treat So & So like that. Goodnight.” Then get up and go. If your friends are present you could offer to go elsewhere with them. If Franks friends are there, well, they can decide for themselves if they want to stick around.
Remember, as with a puppy, this must happen immediately. Frank must understand that you have a zero tolerance policy for this behavior. My best guess is that this will be intolerable to Frank and he’ll try to make this an argument about how YOU embarrassed HIM in front of people, but I could be wrong. People can change if they are motivated enough. Most often the disapproval of a partner is not sufficient motivation but on occasion it can make a difference. Don’t do it to change him though. Do it because it is and should be the truth. His behavior IS intolerable and tolerating it makes you a party to it...
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com
Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
50/50
Hey Annie:
I've finally put my foot down and told my husband our discussion about housework is over and he needs to increase his share of the work or else. He wasn't too pleased with this, but I feel I need to stand my ground. We each estimated the number of hours we put toward housework and watching the kids. I end up with almost 60% of the work. I excluded things on his side that I don't really call work, because I know he enjoys the solitude (lawn care, weeding, finances, cooking, etc.). He doesn't think that's right, but I don't think these tasks are any comparison to vacuuming, doing dishes every night and cleaning bathrooms. I also don't buy his argument that he works 10-20 hours a week more than me. That is a career choice that earns him money and while it benefits me, it doesn't excuse him from his share of housework. Short of threatening divorce, how do I convince him that he is wrong? As a reality check, I threw this out to friends and family and everyone agrees with me.
My Way Or, Well, My Way...
Hey My Way:
Wow! Look at you! You get to decide what counts as work, decide what split is fair, decide what mitigating factors apply and then demand absolute concession to your way, “or else” (which just begs the question, or else what...?). So let me get this straight; Your husband works full time (and then some); pays bills; takes care of the yard; cooks, but none of that counts. Your 50/50 rule doesn’t apply to finances because he makes more than you but you’re OK with that. By your own (clearly agenda driven) estimate you are doing (let’s say) 56% of the remainder of the work and he’s doing 44% (and getting grief for it) and you feel you are being treated unfairly?
Since your friends and family agree with you (it would take a brave soul not to) I am going to take your husband’s side. Healthy adults do not tell one another what to do or threaten each other when they don’t get their way and they do not discount the meaningful contributions of other people in order to make their own seem more important. Healthy adults do not make excuses for their own choices and blame others for their unhappiness. It seems to me that your husband has found a way to appreciate his chores. If ever a man needed time alone! He probably doesn’t really like doing these things, over say hanging with his friends or watching a good movie, but he focuses on rare alone time so that he doesn’t hate what he’s doing. You could take a lesson. If your beef is which chores you’re stuck doing, then you need to negotiate a rotating schedule rather than trying to force your husband, who sounds stretched thin, to do yours and his both. That means you get “alone time” paying bills and cutting the lawn and then just see how fulfilling that feels. I’ll bet it still feels like doing chores.
Now, the question you didn’t ask - how is it that my husband is living the same life I’m living and is satisfied when I’m not? You believe that if you can “make” your husband do all the stuff that makes you unhappy then you can finally be as happy as he is. It isn’t true. If he takes on more he’ll do the new chores the same way he’s doing the ones he’s already got. He’ll find a way to be happy with his life. You on the other hand will remain a victim of your own misery. When you are ready to be happy, please find a caring therapist, coach or mentor and find out why you choose to try to control others (an impossible task) and yet refuse to take control of yourself (the only path to fulfillment). I wish you all the misery and pain necessary to motivate you to do this as soon as possible...
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com
Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com
Hey Annie:
I've finally put my foot down and told my husband our discussion about housework is over and he needs to increase his share of the work or else. He wasn't too pleased with this, but I feel I need to stand my ground. We each estimated the number of hours we put toward housework and watching the kids. I end up with almost 60% of the work. I excluded things on his side that I don't really call work, because I know he enjoys the solitude (lawn care, weeding, finances, cooking, etc.). He doesn't think that's right, but I don't think these tasks are any comparison to vacuuming, doing dishes every night and cleaning bathrooms. I also don't buy his argument that he works 10-20 hours a week more than me. That is a career choice that earns him money and while it benefits me, it doesn't excuse him from his share of housework. Short of threatening divorce, how do I convince him that he is wrong? As a reality check, I threw this out to friends and family and everyone agrees with me.
My Way Or, Well, My Way...
Hey My Way:
Wow! Look at you! You get to decide what counts as work, decide what split is fair, decide what mitigating factors apply and then demand absolute concession to your way, “or else” (which just begs the question, or else what...?). So let me get this straight; Your husband works full time (and then some); pays bills; takes care of the yard; cooks, but none of that counts. Your 50/50 rule doesn’t apply to finances because he makes more than you but you’re OK with that. By your own (clearly agenda driven) estimate you are doing (let’s say) 56% of the remainder of the work and he’s doing 44% (and getting grief for it) and you feel you are being treated unfairly?
Since your friends and family agree with you (it would take a brave soul not to) I am going to take your husband’s side. Healthy adults do not tell one another what to do or threaten each other when they don’t get their way and they do not discount the meaningful contributions of other people in order to make their own seem more important. Healthy adults do not make excuses for their own choices and blame others for their unhappiness. It seems to me that your husband has found a way to appreciate his chores. If ever a man needed time alone! He probably doesn’t really like doing these things, over say hanging with his friends or watching a good movie, but he focuses on rare alone time so that he doesn’t hate what he’s doing. You could take a lesson. If your beef is which chores you’re stuck doing, then you need to negotiate a rotating schedule rather than trying to force your husband, who sounds stretched thin, to do yours and his both. That means you get “alone time” paying bills and cutting the lawn and then just see how fulfilling that feels. I’ll bet it still feels like doing chores.
Now, the question you didn’t ask - how is it that my husband is living the same life I’m living and is satisfied when I’m not? You believe that if you can “make” your husband do all the stuff that makes you unhappy then you can finally be as happy as he is. It isn’t true. If he takes on more he’ll do the new chores the same way he’s doing the ones he’s already got. He’ll find a way to be happy with his life. You on the other hand will remain a victim of your own misery. When you are ready to be happy, please find a caring therapist, coach or mentor and find out why you choose to try to control others (an impossible task) and yet refuse to take control of yourself (the only path to fulfillment). I wish you all the misery and pain necessary to motivate you to do this as soon as possible...
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com
Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com
Monday, July 19, 2010
To Tell Or Not To Tell...
Hey Annie:
I am 27 and have been in a relationship for about eight months now. I want to tell my boyfriend that I love him, but I am nervous because neither of us has said it yet, and I've never said it to anyone. Should I just go for it, or is there a good reason for me to hold off?
To Tell Or Not To Tell...
Hey Tell:
Tell him. Go for it. No, there is no good reason for you to hold off. If you want to up the communication ante you can even say, “I feel really nervous to say it out loud, but I have been feeling this way for a while and I want to you to know. I love you.”
The question you didn’t ask is what to do with what might happen. In the Internet age 8 months is a long time. It’s likely your boyfriend has strong feelings for you though he may not call his feelings “love” so be prepared for him to not say it back to you. Also, be prepared for him not to know how to respond, or to respond negatively - an unlikely but possible outcome. The only way to prepare for any and all possibilities is to say what you are feeling without any expectations. Say it because it’s what you feel. Say it because it’s true. Say it because life is short and the moments we get to spend in the presence of someone who adores us are too few, when you love someone say so, clearly and often.
If it turns out you are not loved in return it will hurt, but you will survive, and it will serve your journey forward to know the truth one way or another. Tell your boyfriend you love him...
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com
Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com
Hey Annie:
I am 27 and have been in a relationship for about eight months now. I want to tell my boyfriend that I love him, but I am nervous because neither of us has said it yet, and I've never said it to anyone. Should I just go for it, or is there a good reason for me to hold off?
To Tell Or Not To Tell...
Hey Tell:
Tell him. Go for it. No, there is no good reason for you to hold off. If you want to up the communication ante you can even say, “I feel really nervous to say it out loud, but I have been feeling this way for a while and I want to you to know. I love you.”
The question you didn’t ask is what to do with what might happen. In the Internet age 8 months is a long time. It’s likely your boyfriend has strong feelings for you though he may not call his feelings “love” so be prepared for him to not say it back to you. Also, be prepared for him not to know how to respond, or to respond negatively - an unlikely but possible outcome. The only way to prepare for any and all possibilities is to say what you are feeling without any expectations. Say it because it’s what you feel. Say it because it’s true. Say it because life is short and the moments we get to spend in the presence of someone who adores us are too few, when you love someone say so, clearly and often.
If it turns out you are not loved in return it will hurt, but you will survive, and it will serve your journey forward to know the truth one way or another. Tell your boyfriend you love him...
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com
Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com
Friday, July 16, 2010
Yesterday's Girl...
Hey Annie:
I am a 28-year-old single woman, and I am tired of being asked out on dates via text message. My last relationship went on for several years and ended nine months ago. I was never once asked out via text message the last time I was single and dating. Now, however, I find that the text-message request for a date is not only common, but it has become the norm. I think that a guy asking me out via text message either isn't terribly interested and can't be bothered to pick up the phone, or is too scared to call and talk to me in person. I am looking for a serious relationship with a man who has confidence in himself, so I don't want to date a man who asks me out via text message, whatever his motivation. Am I being too hard on these guys? How do I indicate that I find this practice inappropriate without making the man on the other end of the text think I dislike him?
Longing For Yesteryear...
Hey Longing:
You mean you don’t dislike him? Because it sounds like you dislike him. I almost dismissed you as a backward complainer. Then I remembered what it feels like when one of my social expectations isn’t met by someone and I decided it was a reasonable question. I have a reasoned answer.
If you want to go on dates that aren’t initiated by text, initiate them yourself. You can refuse to go, or instruct the asker on your preferences. Sadly, what you can’t do is to make everyone in the world behave the way they did when you were last single, no matter how familiar or “right” that feels.
Each of your choices has consequences. Make a rule that you don’t date men who ask women out by text and you may be passing on someone really great. School men who ask you out by ignoring their texts or informing them that you prefer a call and you’ll come off as rude or demanding. Asking men out yourself solves both of these, but I get the feeling that doesn’t sit well with you either.
I notice you’re making something up about what being asked by text message means. My rule about making up stories is that you have to make up a good one. Why not make up that they are so smitten with you they can hardly speak, or are swamped with work and unable to call but texting you under the desk while their boss explains next year’s compensation program? Be careful not to shoot yourself in the foot by expecting men to be serious about you too soon. Of course they aren’t serious about you. They don’t even know you.
Finally, my nod to the guys. Monogamous straight men have been expected to carry the greatest share of the burden for dating for too long. They have to ask, they have to plan, they have to pay, they have to decide how many days to wait before calling. If you’ve never met someone at a party you really thought was cool, called them after to ask them out and realized they gave you a wrong number or heard that weird “I don’t really like you” voice then you have no right to call a guy who doesn’t want to go through that “scared.” Cut the man some slack. He liked you enough to ask you out. If you like him too, go. If you don’t like him, don’t go. And if you go, have a good time and let him off the hook. When you fall in love with him you’ll think it’s cute when he texts you...
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com
Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com
Hey Annie:
I am a 28-year-old single woman, and I am tired of being asked out on dates via text message. My last relationship went on for several years and ended nine months ago. I was never once asked out via text message the last time I was single and dating. Now, however, I find that the text-message request for a date is not only common, but it has become the norm. I think that a guy asking me out via text message either isn't terribly interested and can't be bothered to pick up the phone, or is too scared to call and talk to me in person. I am looking for a serious relationship with a man who has confidence in himself, so I don't want to date a man who asks me out via text message, whatever his motivation. Am I being too hard on these guys? How do I indicate that I find this practice inappropriate without making the man on the other end of the text think I dislike him?
Longing For Yesteryear...
Hey Longing:
You mean you don’t dislike him? Because it sounds like you dislike him. I almost dismissed you as a backward complainer. Then I remembered what it feels like when one of my social expectations isn’t met by someone and I decided it was a reasonable question. I have a reasoned answer.
If you want to go on dates that aren’t initiated by text, initiate them yourself. You can refuse to go, or instruct the asker on your preferences. Sadly, what you can’t do is to make everyone in the world behave the way they did when you were last single, no matter how familiar or “right” that feels.
Each of your choices has consequences. Make a rule that you don’t date men who ask women out by text and you may be passing on someone really great. School men who ask you out by ignoring their texts or informing them that you prefer a call and you’ll come off as rude or demanding. Asking men out yourself solves both of these, but I get the feeling that doesn’t sit well with you either.
I notice you’re making something up about what being asked by text message means. My rule about making up stories is that you have to make up a good one. Why not make up that they are so smitten with you they can hardly speak, or are swamped with work and unable to call but texting you under the desk while their boss explains next year’s compensation program? Be careful not to shoot yourself in the foot by expecting men to be serious about you too soon. Of course they aren’t serious about you. They don’t even know you.
Finally, my nod to the guys. Monogamous straight men have been expected to carry the greatest share of the burden for dating for too long. They have to ask, they have to plan, they have to pay, they have to decide how many days to wait before calling. If you’ve never met someone at a party you really thought was cool, called them after to ask them out and realized they gave you a wrong number or heard that weird “I don’t really like you” voice then you have no right to call a guy who doesn’t want to go through that “scared.” Cut the man some slack. He liked you enough to ask you out. If you like him too, go. If you don’t like him, don’t go. And if you go, have a good time and let him off the hook. When you fall in love with him you’ll think it’s cute when he texts you...
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com
Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com
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