One Foot Out the Door
Hey Annie:
I am being challenged by some genuine life questions. I am not single, but am contemplating the decision of becoming so. I have separated from my wife in part by living a consultant’s life. I am home three days a week, and use those days to cover my two pre-teen kids. My dilemma is that I have grown and have developed a love of exploring life and almost everything to do with the human condition. My wife not only is not interested in any of the activities or passions I have (and chooses not to participate), but also suffers severe depression. A subset of the above is that I have come to really enjoy engaged sex. I have found partners I have truly enjoyed having sex with, and feel that is necessary for me to commit exclusively to her. Our sex life consists of infrequent sex that is far from engaged. I stay primarily out of a sense of duty and to maintain a family structure for my kids. What are your thoughts?
On The Road Again...
Hey Again:
Yeah, I get it. Depressed people aren't engaged or interested in anything. That's what it means to be depressed. Do the right thing. Get your wife into professional care for her depression if she isn't already. Insist on it, for your kids if not because you've spent a significant and meaningful part of your journey with her. If she's on meds and they aren't working, talk to her WITH her doctors about changing/upping her meds. One of the horrors of depression is that you sort of get used to everything sucking, and the medicine can feel like a Pandora's box because it comes with problems of it's own. Sex is among them. It's not unusual for someone on selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors to feel disinterested in sex or to want it but not be able to enjoy it or to orgasm. Still, a joyful engaged life without orgasm is better than a crappy, dull, exhausting life without orgasm, and the sex issue, for patients to whom it's important, can be managed on SSRIs.
Your children deserve a mother who's excited about life and engaged as much as you deserve a partner who is. Don't get me wrong, I get it, this stuff is hard. Getting a depressed person to act on their own behalf is one of the toughest assignments in human management on the planet. Do it anyway. Don't give up. As a person who seeks, enjoys and needs connection with other humans, you are responsible to some degree for the relationships you have, the people who walk the road with you.
I'm not saying don't give up on your marriage, maybe eventually that will be the thing to do, though if you're off gadflying around getting busy with more “engaged” people you likely haven't given it a fair shot. You loved this woman once, enough to promise to spend your life with her, sickness and health and all that jazz, and have two children with her. The fact that your response to her steady emotional decline is to hit the road and have affairs leaves me wondering what kind of life you expected when you said all those things. You will owe her your care and your respect forever, no matter what happens to your marriage, because she is the mother of your children and was at least once your best friend. That person isn't gone by the way, she's still in there, trapped inside a dull gray haze that makes her life joyless and dreary. Even if you divorce her, even if you marry again, don't leave your friend there alone. Give her what help you can before you walk away.
While I do believe that open marriage, polyamory, and other alternative lifestyles are a part of the menu from which we select our options in life, regardless of what society says, I also believe in authenticity and honesty. Not ONLY because it's the good and right thing to do, but because humans are happier and more fulfilled when we live according to our values and can believe we are good people. I want that for you. I hope you want it for yourself. If you're going to stay in this marriage your wife has a right to your full commitment and that means getting busy helping your partner manage her illness, and her life, a large portion of which is spent in the presence of your children. Depression is an illness, NOT a character flaw. It also means dealing directly and intentionally with the issues in your marriage. You and your wife should be in coaching or working with a gifted and caring therapist. Your wife should be receiving ongoing, 1-2 times a week, in-office treatment for her depression and this should continue until she can honestly say with a smile on her face that she and her doctors are managing it effectively. Your kids could likely use someone to talk to. Not because they’re broken, but because their parents are only halfway in their lives. Your wife has one foot in her depression and you have one out the door. The way things like this impact children are lasting, and can be easily avoided. It's confusing for them. They know something is wrong, but everything looks OK, and they aren't sophisticated enough to figure out what the problem is or how to manage it effectively. Until they reach the age of reason, the point in a person's life when they truly, finally realize that the world does not revolve around them and therefore they are not responsible for everything that happens in their world, you and your wife's problems ARE their problems. Giving them someone calm and present to talk with about this stuff would be a gift that will help them manage life. Someone they can say ANYTHING to with no consequences and who isn't personally involved. Not because there is anything wrong with them, but because who couldn't benefit from someone who cares about them, doesn't need anything from them, just wants to listen and help? I'll bet you could benefit from that too.
If, when you've done ALL of these things, you still want to stay in your marriage but have sex with other people, that's a conversation to have with your wife and with your coach/therapist, though you'd need one who's open minded. If you still want out, then you can leave knowing you didn't abandon your partner to a potentially deadly and life draining disease and your children to being her full time caregivers. You can leave knowing you did your best for her and were honest and good. You can leave with your head held high, and with the respect and admiration of your children.
I wish you all the happiness and fulfillment you deserve, and I wish the same for your family.
annie@mappinglove.com
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
With Friends Like You...
Hey Annie:
I lived with my best friend and her husband for a few months after moving to their city. They were having trouble in their marriage and my friend had to go out of town for a week. While she was gone, and her husband and I were both drunk, we had sex. We talked and agreed it happened only because we were drunk. We decided never to speak of it again.
The problem is it happened again, the 2nd time we weren’t drunk and she was in town. I've since moved out and I'm reluctant to tell my friend about what happened. I think telling her will ruin her marriage and our friendship. I feel terribly guilty and cry about it when I think of it. I don’t know how I can keep her as a friend with this awful secret in my heart. Her husband doesn't want to tell her, ever. What should I do?
Want It Off My Chest...
Hey Want It:
You are not this woman’s friend. If YOU are her best friend she would be better off with no friends at all. Her husband’s sins are obvious, and she needs to know that he cheated on her. People have a right to make choices about what to do with their lives based on the reality of their actual situation as opposed to making choices based on lies and secrets. I'd bet my next paycheck you didn't use a condom. I'd bet the one after that you aren't the only person he's had unprotected sex with. She is at risk for disease as well as heartbreak. If you care about her at all you’ll tell her what you and her husband did with the full knowledge that if she has a shred of self respect she’ll dump you both. Please don’t let this poor woman stay married to a man who couldn’t go a week without her watching over him without banging her “best friend”. When you tell her, let her know that you understand she won’t want to be your friend any more and then do her the favor of removing yourself from her wrecked life.
She will have a lot of work to do personally on why the two people she was closest to in the world did the most hurtful possible thing to her and she never had a clue. This will be challenging for her, but she’ll get through it, as long as she is able to surround herself by people who will put her feelings and her needs at the forefront of their consciousness. Your only saving grace is to be found in your shame and guilt over what you did. Tell her the truth. Now.
You have a lot of work to do on yourself before you should have have a relationship in which someone will rely on you, trust you, again. You are not a trustworthy person. Alcohol is no excuse for emotionally repugnant behavior. Even your reasons for considering telling her are selfish. You feel guilty and want to tell to “get it off your chest”. Get yourself into therapy and grow up, but tell this poor woman what you did first so that she can build a life that doesn’t have you in it...
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com
Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com
Hey Annie:
I lived with my best friend and her husband for a few months after moving to their city. They were having trouble in their marriage and my friend had to go out of town for a week. While she was gone, and her husband and I were both drunk, we had sex. We talked and agreed it happened only because we were drunk. We decided never to speak of it again.
The problem is it happened again, the 2nd time we weren’t drunk and she was in town. I've since moved out and I'm reluctant to tell my friend about what happened. I think telling her will ruin her marriage and our friendship. I feel terribly guilty and cry about it when I think of it. I don’t know how I can keep her as a friend with this awful secret in my heart. Her husband doesn't want to tell her, ever. What should I do?
Want It Off My Chest...
Hey Want It:
You are not this woman’s friend. If YOU are her best friend she would be better off with no friends at all. Her husband’s sins are obvious, and she needs to know that he cheated on her. People have a right to make choices about what to do with their lives based on the reality of their actual situation as opposed to making choices based on lies and secrets. I'd bet my next paycheck you didn't use a condom. I'd bet the one after that you aren't the only person he's had unprotected sex with. She is at risk for disease as well as heartbreak. If you care about her at all you’ll tell her what you and her husband did with the full knowledge that if she has a shred of self respect she’ll dump you both. Please don’t let this poor woman stay married to a man who couldn’t go a week without her watching over him without banging her “best friend”. When you tell her, let her know that you understand she won’t want to be your friend any more and then do her the favor of removing yourself from her wrecked life.
She will have a lot of work to do personally on why the two people she was closest to in the world did the most hurtful possible thing to her and she never had a clue. This will be challenging for her, but she’ll get through it, as long as she is able to surround herself by people who will put her feelings and her needs at the forefront of their consciousness. Your only saving grace is to be found in your shame and guilt over what you did. Tell her the truth. Now.
You have a lot of work to do on yourself before you should have have a relationship in which someone will rely on you, trust you, again. You are not a trustworthy person. Alcohol is no excuse for emotionally repugnant behavior. Even your reasons for considering telling her are selfish. You feel guilty and want to tell to “get it off your chest”. Get yourself into therapy and grow up, but tell this poor woman what you did first so that she can build a life that doesn’t have you in it...
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com
Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com
Monday, June 20, 2011
People Pleaser Going Poly...
Hey Annie:
A few years ago, I started dating someone casually. Things began progressing into a steady relationship but, having not been with someone for a long time, he was afraid of commitment, and told me he didn't want to be exclusive. I was still feeling things out for myself and, though I didn't have any interest in seeing anyone else, I figured I wasn't the type of person that wanted to hold anyone back. I told him it was fine as long as he told me about any other girls as early on as possible.
A couple of years went by before he wound up dating around. I found out - not through him. I confronted him about it several times but he blatantly lied. I consider myself to be an open, honest and accepting person. I believe that human beings come with many weaknesses, but that the beauty of partnership is being able to share even your worst moments and actions. I refuse to tolerate dishonesty and deceit. I was about to break things off, he admitted he had been seeing several women. I identified with his mindset - he liked where our relationship was going, but he wanted to quickly try and get everything out of his system, before things got too hot and heavy between us. I decided to stick it out and see where things would go.
At first, I told him I was fine with him dating around. I know I'm a great girlfriend and an awesome person, and I figured seeing other girls would help him realize I'm the cream of the crop. Of course it was a letdown that he couldn't realize this simply with what was in front of him but a plus of all this was that his respect for me multiplied extensively because I was being open-minded. But before long, I knew that in order to heal from his act of lying to me, I needed him to focus on us. I asked to be exclusive, and in a split second he said yes. Things right now are absolutely fabulous. I've never been with someone I mesh with so well and I know he values me deeply, too. We're onto something extremely meaningful.
I know things can change at any point. Even though neither of us have labeled ourselves as polyamorous, some part of me wants to believe in a 'progressive' relationship in which two people can date other people with rules. Or perhaps that we would both date the same girl. I may want to experiment with other people, too, though the only people who have struck my interest thus far are women. I have experimented with women before, but never had a relationship, I’m too bashful to have sex with them.
A couple of years have passed since that incident. I frequently fantasize about my boyfriend having sex with other women. Part of me wonders if it's insecurity, and, if so, how can I address it? I know I've never fully learned to trust my boyfriend again, and am still fearful of being deceived, but it has gotten significantly better. He doesn't know I have these thoughts and that time in our relationship is still a touchy topic to discuss.
Am I just being my usual people-pleasing self by trying to convince myself that a polyamorous relationship between us is possible? What advice would you give to someone who is considering becoming polyamorous?
Curiouser & Curiouser...
Hey Curiouser:
The advice I would give someone considering becoming polyamorous is different for every person. It depends on their reasons for thinking it is a lifestyle that would work for them. You seem a very patient person, and that’s important for the polyamorous. You also ask a really good question at the end of your letter, about being a people pleaser. Only you can decide, but this is what worries me about your story:
You use passive phrasing, “he wound up dating around” as opposed to “he chose to date around”. That’s something people tend to do when they are trying to distance the person from the act. He didn’t “wind up” doing anything, he made a choice to see other women and lie about it repeatedly.
You say “I refuse to tolerate dishonesty and deceit.” and yet you tolerated it. You made a choice to continue a relationship with someone who lied to you and deceived you. When you say you won’t tolerate something in relationship and then you accept it, it’s very hard to trust your partner, but it’s harder to trust yourself. You made a rule to keep yourself safe, and you allowed that rule to be broken. Until you can trust yourself to stand by your rules, you can’t trust anyone else to.
Your partner’s excuse for what he did was that he wanted to “quickly try and get everything out of his system”. Yuck. Did you really buy that? If so I have a bridge for sale in Brooklyn. Make me an offer. I’m looking to sell fast.
“I’m so crazy about you I HAVE to fool around with other women so I can get hot and heavy with you.” Be right back. Going to barf.
Okay I'm back. You say, “I know things can change at any point.” This has me imagining that you aren’t sure of this relationship, for obvious reasons you don’t feel secure. Maybe you think having a polyamorous relationship is better than breaking up? You don’t sound like you’re really interested polyamory so much as wanting to make sure he doesn’t get antsy. You say you might date women, though you never have dated women, “Or perhaps that we would both date the same girl.” This is another way of taking control of an otherwise scary situation. You don’t have any interest in dating men who he might find threatening. The fantasizing about him having sex with other women is easy. We fantasize about things, sensualize them, as a way of gaining control over them. The people in the fantasies aren’t real. When you fantasize about your boyfriend having sex with other women and eroticize that, it takes the power away from it. In your mind, you are him, you are her, you are you, you are in control of everything that happens. Let me promise you that when a real live breathing woman is in the room, over whom you have no actual control, it will get ALL it’s power back.
So, do I think you’re being a people pleaser? Yes.
Do I think you’re ready for a polyamorous relationship? No.
Do I think it would be a bad idea to try it out for a while with this guy? No.
I don’t think it would be a bad idea, mostly because I don’t think it would be a bad idea if this relationship tanked. It would be a good place to practice, to dip your toe in poly, because you can’t really trust this guy anyway. That’s good by the way, that you still don’t really trust him. He’s not trustworthy. If you trusted him I’d be scared for you. Being polyamorous can be scary, it’s out on the high wire emotionally. If I’m going out on the high wire with someone, I want to know I can trust that person, implicitly. If I can’t, I suppose just knowing that, really knowing it, can be a comfort of a kind. Make sure the net is big and wide because you are going to fall. If you stay in this relationship you should use condoms. If you decide to try polyamory in this relationship you should be dating other men while your boyfriend dates other women, because you’re not really into women. I’d be willing to bet your boyfriend will not tolerate you dating other men. Just a guess...
Annie Ory
Certified Whole Life Coach
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
Author, Authentic Dating
Questions for Annie? Write to her here (annie@mappinglove.com)
Hey Annie:
A few years ago, I started dating someone casually. Things began progressing into a steady relationship but, having not been with someone for a long time, he was afraid of commitment, and told me he didn't want to be exclusive. I was still feeling things out for myself and, though I didn't have any interest in seeing anyone else, I figured I wasn't the type of person that wanted to hold anyone back. I told him it was fine as long as he told me about any other girls as early on as possible.
A couple of years went by before he wound up dating around. I found out - not through him. I confronted him about it several times but he blatantly lied. I consider myself to be an open, honest and accepting person. I believe that human beings come with many weaknesses, but that the beauty of partnership is being able to share even your worst moments and actions. I refuse to tolerate dishonesty and deceit. I was about to break things off, he admitted he had been seeing several women. I identified with his mindset - he liked where our relationship was going, but he wanted to quickly try and get everything out of his system, before things got too hot and heavy between us. I decided to stick it out and see where things would go.
At first, I told him I was fine with him dating around. I know I'm a great girlfriend and an awesome person, and I figured seeing other girls would help him realize I'm the cream of the crop. Of course it was a letdown that he couldn't realize this simply with what was in front of him but a plus of all this was that his respect for me multiplied extensively because I was being open-minded. But before long, I knew that in order to heal from his act of lying to me, I needed him to focus on us. I asked to be exclusive, and in a split second he said yes. Things right now are absolutely fabulous. I've never been with someone I mesh with so well and I know he values me deeply, too. We're onto something extremely meaningful.
I know things can change at any point. Even though neither of us have labeled ourselves as polyamorous, some part of me wants to believe in a 'progressive' relationship in which two people can date other people with rules. Or perhaps that we would both date the same girl. I may want to experiment with other people, too, though the only people who have struck my interest thus far are women. I have experimented with women before, but never had a relationship, I’m too bashful to have sex with them.
A couple of years have passed since that incident. I frequently fantasize about my boyfriend having sex with other women. Part of me wonders if it's insecurity, and, if so, how can I address it? I know I've never fully learned to trust my boyfriend again, and am still fearful of being deceived, but it has gotten significantly better. He doesn't know I have these thoughts and that time in our relationship is still a touchy topic to discuss.
Am I just being my usual people-pleasing self by trying to convince myself that a polyamorous relationship between us is possible? What advice would you give to someone who is considering becoming polyamorous?
Curiouser & Curiouser...
Hey Curiouser:
The advice I would give someone considering becoming polyamorous is different for every person. It depends on their reasons for thinking it is a lifestyle that would work for them. You seem a very patient person, and that’s important for the polyamorous. You also ask a really good question at the end of your letter, about being a people pleaser. Only you can decide, but this is what worries me about your story:
You use passive phrasing, “he wound up dating around” as opposed to “he chose to date around”. That’s something people tend to do when they are trying to distance the person from the act. He didn’t “wind up” doing anything, he made a choice to see other women and lie about it repeatedly.
You say “I refuse to tolerate dishonesty and deceit.” and yet you tolerated it. You made a choice to continue a relationship with someone who lied to you and deceived you. When you say you won’t tolerate something in relationship and then you accept it, it’s very hard to trust your partner, but it’s harder to trust yourself. You made a rule to keep yourself safe, and you allowed that rule to be broken. Until you can trust yourself to stand by your rules, you can’t trust anyone else to.
Your partner’s excuse for what he did was that he wanted to “quickly try and get everything out of his system”. Yuck. Did you really buy that? If so I have a bridge for sale in Brooklyn. Make me an offer. I’m looking to sell fast.
“I’m so crazy about you I HAVE to fool around with other women so I can get hot and heavy with you.” Be right back. Going to barf.
Okay I'm back. You say, “I know things can change at any point.” This has me imagining that you aren’t sure of this relationship, for obvious reasons you don’t feel secure. Maybe you think having a polyamorous relationship is better than breaking up? You don’t sound like you’re really interested polyamory so much as wanting to make sure he doesn’t get antsy. You say you might date women, though you never have dated women, “Or perhaps that we would both date the same girl.” This is another way of taking control of an otherwise scary situation. You don’t have any interest in dating men who he might find threatening. The fantasizing about him having sex with other women is easy. We fantasize about things, sensualize them, as a way of gaining control over them. The people in the fantasies aren’t real. When you fantasize about your boyfriend having sex with other women and eroticize that, it takes the power away from it. In your mind, you are him, you are her, you are you, you are in control of everything that happens. Let me promise you that when a real live breathing woman is in the room, over whom you have no actual control, it will get ALL it’s power back.
So, do I think you’re being a people pleaser? Yes.
Do I think you’re ready for a polyamorous relationship? No.
Do I think it would be a bad idea to try it out for a while with this guy? No.
I don’t think it would be a bad idea, mostly because I don’t think it would be a bad idea if this relationship tanked. It would be a good place to practice, to dip your toe in poly, because you can’t really trust this guy anyway. That’s good by the way, that you still don’t really trust him. He’s not trustworthy. If you trusted him I’d be scared for you. Being polyamorous can be scary, it’s out on the high wire emotionally. If I’m going out on the high wire with someone, I want to know I can trust that person, implicitly. If I can’t, I suppose just knowing that, really knowing it, can be a comfort of a kind. Make sure the net is big and wide because you are going to fall. If you stay in this relationship you should use condoms. If you decide to try polyamory in this relationship you should be dating other men while your boyfriend dates other women, because you’re not really into women. I’d be willing to bet your boyfriend will not tolerate you dating other men. Just a guess...
Annie Ory
Certified Whole Life Coach
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
Author, Authentic Dating
Questions for Annie? Write to her here (annie@mappinglove.com)
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
"Certain Urges..."
Hey Annie,
I read your column on FaceBook and I love the way you are honest and straight to the point.
I’ve been married for some time and I've been with my wife 20 years, we are fairly young and we have two kids in elementary school. I can tell you with all my heart; we love each other very much and the kids are amazing and I do love every moment of it. BUT... (I’m writing to you aren’t I?)
Me and my wife have a lasting issue that she doesn't like to have sex as much as I do and I can accept this, but I think that there should be an understanding on both sides. Most of the time, if not always, I'm the one who initiates sex. It never happens without restrictions, something is always bothering her, I can't touch this, can't do that, and so on. I love having sex with my wife I really feel good when we are together 100% and it does happen sometimes, but rarely. We tried many things but we keep coming to the same point. Lately I've been thinking about “sex on the side” nothing personal just a physical urge that I need to release. I haven't talked to her about it and I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing, but it seems like an option. I know there are several ways to meet women for such purposes but because I've never been there I do have many fears. I don't want to end up out-of-love with my wife, maybe this could be an alternative when I'm not getting what I need at home. I don't consider myself a sexaholic but I do believe that a husband and wife our age should do it more than a few times a month. I appreciate any words of wisdom.
Still In-Love but Frustrated
Hey Still:
You have every right to take a stand, lovingly but insistently, in your marriage for regular sex with a fully engaged partner who is not just mollifying you. Sex is not an extra in a marriage, it comes standard. Before you do anything else, you need to do that, take a stand. You need to tell your wife what you told me, that you love her, that you can’t imagine life without her, that you demand she stand with you for your marriage and ALL the joys it has available to both of you. If she will not stand with you, stand on your own. Just having conversations about this is not enough. If you don’t know what to do then get help from a gifted coach or therapist who will support you in figuring it out. Keep working at it. To do this you’ll both have to ask yourself some tough questions like what you enjoy in bed, if you’re capable of long term monogamy and if you really want that, if there are things you need in the bedroom that after 20 years your partner still doesn’t know about or can’t or wont do for you. A healthy young woman should have a normal, natural, healthy desire for sexual intimacy. If she doesn’t, she owes it to you, and to herself, to explore what would make it possible.
What you are talking about as your last resort, is just that, a last resort unless you believe you and your wife are ready for non-monogamy. Some people feel their partners are better off not knowing how they get their needs met, and while no one can tell you how to run your life and your marriage, I am an advocate for authentic relationships. I feel it would be a reasonable request to make, having been told clearly that there is no interest in sex by a partner, to be allowed to have those needs met by someone else.
What you said about this not being “personal” and just an “urge” that you want to relieve needs some attention. If you go that route you need to be honest with the people with whom you relieve your urges. They should be on board for good old urge relieving sex. You should use protection at all times for all orifices. These types of relationships rarely last long which can mean exposure to more partners over time, increasing the likelihood of infection for you, and your wife. You can also become conditioned to being with new partners sexually all the time and increase the possibility of struggling to be intimate over the long haul with a single partner. These are risks that you and your wife should explore together.
There are many things you are at risk for when you open your marriage and you should discuss them all before you begin. You should be aware that all the talking in the world can’t stop an implosion that needs to happen, but two people who are honest with each other can get through a lot together. Your partner may be as confused and disappointed as you are and she may not know why she doesn’t want sex. She may not be able to feel attraction to the same person year after year. She may be overwhelmed as many women in our culture are. She may just not like sex that much. No matter what, she owes you and herself a thorough exploration of your sex life together. If, after exploring it thoroughly, the conclusion you come to is that you want more sex than she does, then how, and under what circumstances, you open your marriage is a conversation that will likely have many layers and raise many questions. You may imagine it makes the whole question of sex or no sex go away, but it doesn’t. What if your wife agrees to open your marriage and the result is that she has lots of great sex with other people and you still aren’t getting what you need? What if she agrees to open marriage and then never has sex with you again because you’re “getting your needs met elsewhere”? You are right to worry you’ll fall in love with the people you have sex with and out of love with your wife, because that can happen though it’s not inevitable. We move closer to people we share deep intimacies with and further from those we hide ourselves from. This truth is one reason I’m not a fan of “don’t ask/don’t tell” for open relationships. In order to protect your partner from the sometimes painful truth that you are having sex with other people you actually protect them from really knowing you. Avoiding this takes honest conversations and a commitment to one another. No one can decide what model of relationship works best for the two of you and your family, but you can seek and find professional support in exploring the question. I wish you luck...
Annie Ory
Relationship, Dating & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com
Hey Annie,
I read your column on FaceBook and I love the way you are honest and straight to the point.
I’ve been married for some time and I've been with my wife 20 years, we are fairly young and we have two kids in elementary school. I can tell you with all my heart; we love each other very much and the kids are amazing and I do love every moment of it. BUT... (I’m writing to you aren’t I?)
Me and my wife have a lasting issue that she doesn't like to have sex as much as I do and I can accept this, but I think that there should be an understanding on both sides. Most of the time, if not always, I'm the one who initiates sex. It never happens without restrictions, something is always bothering her, I can't touch this, can't do that, and so on. I love having sex with my wife I really feel good when we are together 100% and it does happen sometimes, but rarely. We tried many things but we keep coming to the same point. Lately I've been thinking about “sex on the side” nothing personal just a physical urge that I need to release. I haven't talked to her about it and I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing, but it seems like an option. I know there are several ways to meet women for such purposes but because I've never been there I do have many fears. I don't want to end up out-of-love with my wife, maybe this could be an alternative when I'm not getting what I need at home. I don't consider myself a sexaholic but I do believe that a husband and wife our age should do it more than a few times a month. I appreciate any words of wisdom.
Still In-Love but Frustrated
Hey Still:
You have every right to take a stand, lovingly but insistently, in your marriage for regular sex with a fully engaged partner who is not just mollifying you. Sex is not an extra in a marriage, it comes standard. Before you do anything else, you need to do that, take a stand. You need to tell your wife what you told me, that you love her, that you can’t imagine life without her, that you demand she stand with you for your marriage and ALL the joys it has available to both of you. If she will not stand with you, stand on your own. Just having conversations about this is not enough. If you don’t know what to do then get help from a gifted coach or therapist who will support you in figuring it out. Keep working at it. To do this you’ll both have to ask yourself some tough questions like what you enjoy in bed, if you’re capable of long term monogamy and if you really want that, if there are things you need in the bedroom that after 20 years your partner still doesn’t know about or can’t or wont do for you. A healthy young woman should have a normal, natural, healthy desire for sexual intimacy. If she doesn’t, she owes it to you, and to herself, to explore what would make it possible.
What you are talking about as your last resort, is just that, a last resort unless you believe you and your wife are ready for non-monogamy. Some people feel their partners are better off not knowing how they get their needs met, and while no one can tell you how to run your life and your marriage, I am an advocate for authentic relationships. I feel it would be a reasonable request to make, having been told clearly that there is no interest in sex by a partner, to be allowed to have those needs met by someone else.
What you said about this not being “personal” and just an “urge” that you want to relieve needs some attention. If you go that route you need to be honest with the people with whom you relieve your urges. They should be on board for good old urge relieving sex. You should use protection at all times for all orifices. These types of relationships rarely last long which can mean exposure to more partners over time, increasing the likelihood of infection for you, and your wife. You can also become conditioned to being with new partners sexually all the time and increase the possibility of struggling to be intimate over the long haul with a single partner. These are risks that you and your wife should explore together.
There are many things you are at risk for when you open your marriage and you should discuss them all before you begin. You should be aware that all the talking in the world can’t stop an implosion that needs to happen, but two people who are honest with each other can get through a lot together. Your partner may be as confused and disappointed as you are and she may not know why she doesn’t want sex. She may not be able to feel attraction to the same person year after year. She may be overwhelmed as many women in our culture are. She may just not like sex that much. No matter what, she owes you and herself a thorough exploration of your sex life together. If, after exploring it thoroughly, the conclusion you come to is that you want more sex than she does, then how, and under what circumstances, you open your marriage is a conversation that will likely have many layers and raise many questions. You may imagine it makes the whole question of sex or no sex go away, but it doesn’t. What if your wife agrees to open your marriage and the result is that she has lots of great sex with other people and you still aren’t getting what you need? What if she agrees to open marriage and then never has sex with you again because you’re “getting your needs met elsewhere”? You are right to worry you’ll fall in love with the people you have sex with and out of love with your wife, because that can happen though it’s not inevitable. We move closer to people we share deep intimacies with and further from those we hide ourselves from. This truth is one reason I’m not a fan of “don’t ask/don’t tell” for open relationships. In order to protect your partner from the sometimes painful truth that you are having sex with other people you actually protect them from really knowing you. Avoiding this takes honest conversations and a commitment to one another. No one can decide what model of relationship works best for the two of you and your family, but you can seek and find professional support in exploring the question. I wish you luck...
Annie Ory
Relationship, Dating & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
No Baby, No Cry...
Hey Annie:
I’m married, we’ve been together 7 years. I'm not ready to be a mom. I work and go to school full time. My husband wants me to have a baby. Whenever we talk about it he becomes irate and yells that he'll divorce me for being selfish when I tell him I’m not ready. I can never get my point across when I talk to him. I considered getting pregnant so he will leave me alone. I am so unhappy. He always puts his needs before mine. I still love him and would hate to fail as a wife, but I’m scared. I knew he could be controlling, but I thought things would be better after we were married. I just turned 26 and I'm learning more about life. I can see that this was never a healthy relationship. But I have invested seven years of my life with this man. Please help!
No Baby, No Cry...
Hey No Baby:
DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS MAN! You asked for my help and the only help I have to offer is sound advice. Leave without getting pregnant. That’s my advice. People use that phrase all the time, the one about having “invested” X number of years in someone as if that’s a reason to continue as they have been. In my mind this is similar to suddenly realizing you’ve been flushing money down the toilet and thinking that’s all the more reason to continue doing it. The only benefit to be gained from this 7 year investment is the lessons it has to teach you. In this particular case the lessons available will be most clear from a distance, but I’ll give you a head start:
People who love you wont threaten you to make you do things that don’t serve your goals and your well being.
People who love you wont always put their needs ahead of yours.
When a relationship isn’t working getting married wont fix it.
When a marriage isn’t working having a baby wont fix it (don’t think you actually have to experience this to know it doesn’t work).
You can’t have those 7 years back, but you can do something awesome with the next 7 years.
Babies thrive with 2 parents who really want them and will work together to raise them as a team.
Going to school and working full time are not life choices that support early parenthood.
Giving in to people who bully and abuse you doesn’t stop the bullying and abuse, it teaches them that bullying and abuse are excellent tools for controlling you.
People who yell and threaten aren’t fun to be with, they’re dangerous and should be avoided, or divorced.
Put away the idea that years past are years “invested” and would therefore have been “wasted” if you leave. Just leave. Stay in school, keep working, have a nice life...
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com
Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com
Hey Annie:
I’m married, we’ve been together 7 years. I'm not ready to be a mom. I work and go to school full time. My husband wants me to have a baby. Whenever we talk about it he becomes irate and yells that he'll divorce me for being selfish when I tell him I’m not ready. I can never get my point across when I talk to him. I considered getting pregnant so he will leave me alone. I am so unhappy. He always puts his needs before mine. I still love him and would hate to fail as a wife, but I’m scared. I knew he could be controlling, but I thought things would be better after we were married. I just turned 26 and I'm learning more about life. I can see that this was never a healthy relationship. But I have invested seven years of my life with this man. Please help!
No Baby, No Cry...
Hey No Baby:
DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS MAN! You asked for my help and the only help I have to offer is sound advice. Leave without getting pregnant. That’s my advice. People use that phrase all the time, the one about having “invested” X number of years in someone as if that’s a reason to continue as they have been. In my mind this is similar to suddenly realizing you’ve been flushing money down the toilet and thinking that’s all the more reason to continue doing it. The only benefit to be gained from this 7 year investment is the lessons it has to teach you. In this particular case the lessons available will be most clear from a distance, but I’ll give you a head start:
People who love you wont threaten you to make you do things that don’t serve your goals and your well being.
People who love you wont always put their needs ahead of yours.
When a relationship isn’t working getting married wont fix it.
When a marriage isn’t working having a baby wont fix it (don’t think you actually have to experience this to know it doesn’t work).
You can’t have those 7 years back, but you can do something awesome with the next 7 years.
Babies thrive with 2 parents who really want them and will work together to raise them as a team.
Going to school and working full time are not life choices that support early parenthood.
Giving in to people who bully and abuse you doesn’t stop the bullying and abuse, it teaches them that bullying and abuse are excellent tools for controlling you.
People who yell and threaten aren’t fun to be with, they’re dangerous and should be avoided, or divorced.
Put away the idea that years past are years “invested” and would therefore have been “wasted” if you leave. Just leave. Stay in school, keep working, have a nice life...
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com
Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Should I Stay or Should I Go...?
Hey Annie:
My husband and I have not had sex in over a year. This is his choice, not mine. At this point it almost seems normal to me, though I know it's not.
He is currently in the midst of a job negotiation and if all goes well, he'll accept a position which will make him very happy. It will require a move and leave me geographically isolated from friends and family and in a town which greatly limits my professional options.
I want us to work out. I want to be the person that he wants to be intimate with. But, am afraid this move would lead to an awful situation. My family has let me know that they will support any decision I make and that I am warmly wanted by them.
I don't quite know what my question is. I just know that the way we're living is frightening me. I’m lonely in this marriage. We have no kids or property, for what it’s worth.
Living Alone Together...
Hey Living Alone:
I see this problem in marriages fairly often. I’m sorry, of course you’re lonely. This wont solve your problem, but you need to know, it’s not about whether you are the person “he wants to be intimate with”. It’s about the fact that some humans aren’t equipped to maintain intimacy over long periods of time with a single partner. It’s not a natural thing for humans to do, it requires learned skills, and a high desire for intimacy. Not everyone has these in the right combination for success. Developing and maintaining intimacy over long periods can be learned, though the motivation is often missing when finding it in a sparkly new relationship is so much easier. A good coach or therapist who specializes in sexual intimacy is your first stop, IF your husband will go with you. He must be willing to work on this with you because HE wants it, not just to keep you from leaving him.
If you need it, I give you permission to leave. I hear in your letter that you don’t want to quit, that you want to be the person he will love enough to want to work this out, that you love him and want your marriage, and I understand and respect that. I also know that without a strong desire to fix this problem on your husband’s part, it will not happen. In the process of trying to make it happen you may lose more of your sense of self, doubting your own sexuality, wondering about your right to be happy and fulfilled and you’ve obviously paid a high premium on these accounts already.
In clear, concise language - keep it simple - you need to tell your husband exactly what you need and expect from him, including work with a therapist or coach. You also need to decide, and to inform him clearly, that you will not be moving with him unless you have a healthy, happy marriage to sustain you through what will be a lonely time in a new city without your friends, family and work to rely on. Finally, and this is key, avoid feeding him the correct answers and selling him on the process. Make yourself clear and then let him choose what he wants. The worst thing you could do is to convince this man to go along with you, only to find his heart just wasn’t in it. It’s hard emotional work you’re asking him to do. Make sure he really wants to do it or you can count on being disappointed. Finally, remember that what happened to your marriage doesn’t have ANYTHING to do with you being unlovable or undesirable. It has everything to do with your husband’s inability to maintain intimacy for long periods of time with a single person. You are lovable...
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com/
Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com
Hey Annie:
My husband and I have not had sex in over a year. This is his choice, not mine. At this point it almost seems normal to me, though I know it's not.
He is currently in the midst of a job negotiation and if all goes well, he'll accept a position which will make him very happy. It will require a move and leave me geographically isolated from friends and family and in a town which greatly limits my professional options.
I want us to work out. I want to be the person that he wants to be intimate with. But, am afraid this move would lead to an awful situation. My family has let me know that they will support any decision I make and that I am warmly wanted by them.
I don't quite know what my question is. I just know that the way we're living is frightening me. I’m lonely in this marriage. We have no kids or property, for what it’s worth.
Living Alone Together...
Hey Living Alone:
I see this problem in marriages fairly often. I’m sorry, of course you’re lonely. This wont solve your problem, but you need to know, it’s not about whether you are the person “he wants to be intimate with”. It’s about the fact that some humans aren’t equipped to maintain intimacy over long periods of time with a single partner. It’s not a natural thing for humans to do, it requires learned skills, and a high desire for intimacy. Not everyone has these in the right combination for success. Developing and maintaining intimacy over long periods can be learned, though the motivation is often missing when finding it in a sparkly new relationship is so much easier. A good coach or therapist who specializes in sexual intimacy is your first stop, IF your husband will go with you. He must be willing to work on this with you because HE wants it, not just to keep you from leaving him.
If you need it, I give you permission to leave. I hear in your letter that you don’t want to quit, that you want to be the person he will love enough to want to work this out, that you love him and want your marriage, and I understand and respect that. I also know that without a strong desire to fix this problem on your husband’s part, it will not happen. In the process of trying to make it happen you may lose more of your sense of self, doubting your own sexuality, wondering about your right to be happy and fulfilled and you’ve obviously paid a high premium on these accounts already.
In clear, concise language - keep it simple - you need to tell your husband exactly what you need and expect from him, including work with a therapist or coach. You also need to decide, and to inform him clearly, that you will not be moving with him unless you have a healthy, happy marriage to sustain you through what will be a lonely time in a new city without your friends, family and work to rely on. Finally, and this is key, avoid feeding him the correct answers and selling him on the process. Make yourself clear and then let him choose what he wants. The worst thing you could do is to convince this man to go along with you, only to find his heart just wasn’t in it. It’s hard emotional work you’re asking him to do. Make sure he really wants to do it or you can count on being disappointed. Finally, remember that what happened to your marriage doesn’t have ANYTHING to do with you being unlovable or undesirable. It has everything to do with your husband’s inability to maintain intimacy for long periods of time with a single person. You are lovable...
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com/
Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
To Pay, or NOT to Pay, That is the Question (but I’ll bet it’s not the question you think it is)...
WARNING: this is an X rated post, proceed at your discretion)
I have a dilemma: I am a 26 year old female. My boyfriend wants me to replace his mattress because I ejaculated on it. He says there is a gross smell that has developed since we started dating.
I am not sure that this "stench" is entirely or at all mine. He has a cat that has peed on items of furniture in the past and none of my other lovers have ever complained about a smell. I also warned my boyfriend that I was a female ejaculator and he seemed really excited about it when we started having sex. He could have used a towel but never chose to. In fact, he caused me to ejaculate every time we had sex. Should I pay for the replacement mattress? I might have been open to paying half, but the last time we talked about it, he was so mean that I don't feel any obligation at all now.
NOT a Wet Blanket...
Hey NOT:
I want to make it VERY clear that I - like most people in the Medical/Scientific communities who have studied this NON-phenomenon - DO NOT BELIEVE IN FEMALE EJACULATION! There is no biological/physiological mechanism for manufacturing or storing such ejaculatory fluid. For some women natural female vaginal lubricant pools inside the vagina in nooks and crannies and, with the muscular clenching of orgasm, can be squeezed out. This would be a relatively small amount of fluid, though visible. Some women, dependent upon the positioning of their urethra and bladder in relation to the vagina, can experience Stress Incontinence during sex or orgasm, which basically means, they're peeing. If you are turned on by pee, that's awesome, but it's not ejaculating. It's just not. No matter what you would like to believe. I think you peed on your boyfriend’s mattress. Please don’t write to me with all your anecdotal evidence. I’m waiting until some researcher discovers the heretofore hidden organ that produces this magical elixir, but which less than 1% of women seem to have. Until then, I’m a firm DISbeliever in female ejaculation.
That said, you told your boyfriend you were going to “squirt” on his mattress and he didn’t put down a towel. You don’t owe him a new mattress. What you DO owe your future lovers is the common decency of INSISTING on enough material between you and their mattress to soak up all the fluid, no matter what you believe that fluid is. Human body fluids stink and stain and are generally gross when they’ve soaked in and dried up. Anyone who expresses a significant amount of body fluid during sex whether it’s ejaculate, urine, blood, sweat, snot, whatever, should do this for their lovers. Mattresses are expensive and are intended to last a while. Further, if you sleep with a man who insists you NOT protect his mattress in response to the news that you will squirt all over it, frankly, you should think twice about exposing yourself to his mattress...
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com
Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com
WARNING: this is an X rated post, proceed at your discretion)
I have a dilemma: I am a 26 year old female. My boyfriend wants me to replace his mattress because I ejaculated on it. He says there is a gross smell that has developed since we started dating.
I am not sure that this "stench" is entirely or at all mine. He has a cat that has peed on items of furniture in the past and none of my other lovers have ever complained about a smell. I also warned my boyfriend that I was a female ejaculator and he seemed really excited about it when we started having sex. He could have used a towel but never chose to. In fact, he caused me to ejaculate every time we had sex. Should I pay for the replacement mattress? I might have been open to paying half, but the last time we talked about it, he was so mean that I don't feel any obligation at all now.
NOT a Wet Blanket...
Hey NOT:
I want to make it VERY clear that I - like most people in the Medical/Scientific communities who have studied this NON-phenomenon - DO NOT BELIEVE IN FEMALE EJACULATION! There is no biological/physiological mechanism for manufacturing or storing such ejaculatory fluid. For some women natural female vaginal lubricant pools inside the vagina in nooks and crannies and, with the muscular clenching of orgasm, can be squeezed out. This would be a relatively small amount of fluid, though visible. Some women, dependent upon the positioning of their urethra and bladder in relation to the vagina, can experience Stress Incontinence during sex or orgasm, which basically means, they're peeing. If you are turned on by pee, that's awesome, but it's not ejaculating. It's just not. No matter what you would like to believe. I think you peed on your boyfriend’s mattress. Please don’t write to me with all your anecdotal evidence. I’m waiting until some researcher discovers the heretofore hidden organ that produces this magical elixir, but which less than 1% of women seem to have. Until then, I’m a firm DISbeliever in female ejaculation.
That said, you told your boyfriend you were going to “squirt” on his mattress and he didn’t put down a towel. You don’t owe him a new mattress. What you DO owe your future lovers is the common decency of INSISTING on enough material between you and their mattress to soak up all the fluid, no matter what you believe that fluid is. Human body fluids stink and stain and are generally gross when they’ve soaked in and dried up. Anyone who expresses a significant amount of body fluid during sex whether it’s ejaculate, urine, blood, sweat, snot, whatever, should do this for their lovers. Mattresses are expensive and are intended to last a while. Further, if you sleep with a man who insists you NOT protect his mattress in response to the news that you will squirt all over it, frankly, you should think twice about exposing yourself to his mattress...
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com
Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com
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