Should I Stay or Should I Go...?

Hey Annie:

My husband and I have not had sex in over a year. This is his choice, not mine. At this point it almost seems normal to me, though I know it's not.

He is currently in the midst of a job negotiation and if all goes well, he'll accept a position which will make him very happy. It will require a move and leave me geographically isolated from friends and family and in a town which greatly limits my professional options.

I want us to work out. I want to be the person that he wants to be intimate with. But, am afraid this move would lead to an awful situation. My family has let me know that they will support any decision I make and that I am warmly wanted by them.

I don't quite know what my question is. I just know that the way we're living is frightening me. I’m lonely in this marriage. We have no kids or property, for what it’s worth.

Living Alone Together...

Hey Living Alone:

I see this problem in marriages fairly often. I’m sorry, of course you’re lonely. This wont solve your problem, but you need to know, it’s not about whether you are the person “he wants to be intimate with”. It’s about the fact that some humans aren’t equipped to maintain intimacy over long periods of time with a single partner. It’s not a natural thing for humans to do, it requires learned skills, and a high desire for intimacy. Not everyone has these in the right combination for success. Developing and maintaining intimacy over long periods can be learned, though the motivation is often missing when finding it in a sparkly new relationship is so much easier. A good coach or therapist who specializes in sexual intimacy is your first stop, IF your husband will go with you. He must be willing to work on this with you because HE wants it, not just to keep you from leaving him.

If you need it, I give you permission to leave. I hear in your letter that you don’t want to quit, that you want to be the person he will love enough to want to work this out, that you love him and want your marriage, and I understand and respect that. I also know that without a strong desire to fix this problem on your husband’s part, it will not happen. In the process of trying to make it happen you may lose more of your sense of self, doubting your own sexuality, wondering about your right to be happy and fulfilled and you’ve obviously paid a high premium on these accounts already.

In clear, concise language - keep it simple - you need to tell your husband exactly what you need and expect from him, including work with a therapist or coach. You also need to decide, and to inform him clearly, that you will not be moving with him unless you have a healthy, happy marriage to sustain you through what will be a lonely time in a new city without your friends, family and work to rely on. Finally, and this is key, avoid feeding him the correct answers and selling him on the process. Make yourself clear and then let him choose what he wants. The worst thing you could do is to convince this man to go along with you, only to find his heart just wasn’t in it. It’s hard emotional work you’re asking him to do. Make sure he really wants to do it or you can count on being disappointed. Finally, remember that what happened to your marriage doesn’t have ANYTHING to do with you being unlovable or undesirable. It has everything to do with your husband’s inability to maintain intimacy for long periods of time with a single person. You are lovable...

Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com/

Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com