No Baby, No Cry...

Hey Annie:

I’m married, we’ve been together 7 years. I'm not ready to be a mom. I work and go to school full time. My husband wants me to have a baby. Whenever we talk about it he becomes irate and yells that he'll divorce me for being selfish when I tell him I’m not ready. I can never get my point across when I talk to him. I considered getting pregnant so he will leave me alone. I am so unhappy. He always puts his needs before mine. I still love him and would hate to fail as a wife, but I’m scared. I knew he could be controlling, but I thought things would be better after we were married. I just turned 26 and I'm learning more about life. I can see that this was never a healthy relationship. But I have invested seven years of my life with this man. Please help!

No Baby, No Cry...

Hey No Baby:

DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS MAN! You asked for my help and the only help I have to offer is sound advice. Leave without getting pregnant. That’s my advice. People use that phrase all the time, the one about having “invested” X number of years in someone as if that’s a reason to continue as they have been. In my mind this is similar to suddenly realizing you’ve been flushing money down the toilet and thinking that’s all the more reason to continue doing it. The only benefit to be gained from this 7 year investment is the lessons it has to teach you. In this particular case the lessons available will be most clear from a distance, but I’ll give you a head start:

People who love you wont threaten you to make you do things that don’t serve your goals and your well being.

People who love you wont always put their needs ahead of yours.

When a relationship isn’t working getting married wont fix it.

When a marriage isn’t working having a baby wont fix it (don’t think you actually have to experience this to know it doesn’t work).

You can’t have those 7 years back, but you can do something awesome with the next 7 years.

Babies thrive with 2 parents who really want them and will work together to raise them as a team.

Going to school and working full time are not life choices that support early parenthood.

Giving in to people who bully and abuse you doesn’t stop the bullying and abuse, it teaches them that bullying and abuse are excellent tools for controlling you.

People who yell and threaten aren’t fun to be with, they’re dangerous and should be avoided, or divorced.

Put away the idea that years past are years “invested” and would therefore have been “wasted” if you leave. Just leave. Stay in school, keep working, have a nice life...


Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com
Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com