"Certain Urges..."

Hey Annie,

I read your column on FaceBook and I love the way you are honest and straight to the point.

I’ve been married for some time and I've been with my wife 20 years, we are fairly young and we have two kids in elementary school. I can tell you with all my heart; we love each other very much and the kids are amazing and I do love every moment of it. BUT... (I’m writing to you aren’t I?)

Me and my wife have a lasting issue that she doesn't like to have sex as much as I do and I can accept this, but I think that there should be an understanding on both sides. Most of the time, if not always, I'm the one who initiates sex. It never happens without restrictions, something is always bothering her, I can't touch this, can't do that, and so on. I love having sex with my wife I really feel good when we are together 100% and it does happen sometimes, but rarely. We tried many things but we keep coming to the same point. Lately I've been thinking about “sex on the side” nothing personal just a physical urge that I need to release. I haven't talked to her about it and I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing, but it seems like an option. I know there are several ways to meet women for such purposes but because I've never been there I do have many fears. I don't want to end up out-of-love with my wife, maybe this could be an alternative when I'm not getting what I need at home. I don't consider myself a sexaholic but I do believe that a husband and wife our age should do it more than a few times a month. I appreciate any words of wisdom.
Still In-Love but Frustrated

Hey Still:

You have every right to take a stand, lovingly but insistently, in your marriage for regular sex with a fully engaged partner who is not just mollifying you. Sex is not an extra in a marriage, it comes standard. Before you do anything else, you need to do that, take a stand. You need to tell your wife what you told me, that you love her, that you can’t imagine life without her, that you demand she stand with you for your marriage and ALL the joys it has available to both of you. If she will not stand with you, stand on your own. Just having conversations about this is not enough. If you don’t know what to do then get help from a gifted coach or therapist who will support you in figuring it out. Keep working at it. To do this you’ll both have to ask yourself some tough questions like what you enjoy in bed, if you’re capable of long term monogamy and if you really want that, if there are things you need in the bedroom that after 20 years your partner still doesn’t know about or can’t or wont do for you. A healthy young woman should have a normal, natural, healthy desire for sexual intimacy. If she doesn’t, she owes it to you, and to herself, to explore what would make it possible.

What you are talking about as your last resort, is just that, a last resort unless you believe you and your wife are ready for non-monogamy. Some people feel their partners are better off not knowing how they get their needs met, and while no one can tell you how to run your life and your marriage, I am an advocate for authentic relationships. I feel it would be a reasonable request to make, having been told clearly that there is no interest in sex by a partner, to be allowed to have those needs met by someone else.

What you said about this not being “personal” and just an “urge” that you want to relieve needs some attention. If you go that route you need to be honest with the people with whom you relieve your urges. They should be on board for good old urge relieving sex. You should use protection at all times for all orifices. These types of relationships rarely last long which can mean exposure to more partners over time, increasing the likelihood of infection for you, and your wife. You can also become conditioned to being with new partners sexually all the time and increase the possibility of struggling to be intimate over the long haul with a single partner. These are risks that you and your wife should explore together.

There are many things you are at risk for when you open your marriage and you should discuss them all before you begin. You should be aware that all the talking in the world can’t stop an implosion that needs to happen, but two people who are honest with each other can get through a lot together. Your partner may be as confused and disappointed as you are and she may not know why she doesn’t want sex. She may not be able to feel attraction to the same person year after year. She may be overwhelmed as many women in our culture are. She may just not like sex that much. No matter what, she owes you and herself a thorough exploration of your sex life together. If, after exploring it thoroughly, the conclusion you come to is that you want more sex than she does, then how, and under what circumstances, you open your marriage is a conversation that will likely have many layers and raise many questions. You may imagine it makes the whole question of sex or no sex go away, but it doesn’t. What if your wife agrees to open your marriage and the result is that she has lots of great sex with other people and you still aren’t getting what you need? What if she agrees to open marriage and then never has sex with you again because you’re “getting your needs met elsewhere”? You are right to worry you’ll fall in love with the people you have sex with and out of love with your wife, because that can happen though it’s not inevitable. We move closer to people we share deep intimacies with and further from those we hide ourselves from. This truth is one reason I’m not a fan of “don’t ask/don’t tell” for open relationships. In order to protect your partner from the sometimes painful truth that you are having sex with other people you actually protect them from really knowing you. Avoiding this takes honest conversations and a commitment to one another. No one can decide what model of relationship works best for the two of you and your family, but you can seek and find professional support in exploring the question. I wish you luck...

Annie Ory
Relationship, Dating & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com