People Pleaser Going Poly...

Hey Annie:

A few years ago, I started dating someone casually. Things began progressing into a steady relationship but, having not been with someone for a long time, he was afraid of commitment, and told me he didn't want to be exclusive. I was still feeling things out for myself and, though I didn't have any interest in seeing anyone else, I figured I wasn't the type of person that wanted to hold anyone back. I told him it was fine as long as he told me about any other girls as early on as possible.

A couple of years went by before he wound up dating around. I found out - not through him. I confronted him about it several times but he blatantly lied. I consider myself to be an open, honest and accepting person. I believe that human beings come with many weaknesses, but that the beauty of partnership is being able to share even your worst moments and actions. I refuse to tolerate dishonesty and deceit. I was about to break things off, he admitted he had been seeing several women. I identified with his mindset - he liked where our relationship was going, but he wanted to quickly try and get everything out of his system, before things got too hot and heavy between us. I decided to stick it out and see where things would go.

At first, I told him I was fine with him dating around. I know I'm a great girlfriend and an awesome person, and I figured seeing other girls would help him realize I'm the cream of the crop. Of course it was a letdown that he couldn't realize this simply with what was in front of him but a plus of all this was that his respect for me multiplied extensively because I was being open-minded. But before long, I knew that in order to heal from his act of lying to me, I needed him to focus on us. I asked to be exclusive, and in a split second he said yes. Things right now are absolutely fabulous. I've never been with someone I mesh with so well and I know he values me deeply, too. We're onto something extremely meaningful.

I know things can change at any point. Even though neither of us have labeled ourselves as polyamorous, some part of me wants to believe in a 'progressive' relationship in which two people can date other people with rules. Or perhaps that we would both date the same girl. I may want to experiment with other people, too, though the only people who have struck my interest thus far are women. I have experimented with women before, but never had a relationship, I’m too bashful to have sex with them.

A couple of years have passed since that incident. I frequently fantasize about my boyfriend having sex with other women. Part of me wonders if it's insecurity, and, if so, how can I address it? I know I've never fully learned to trust my boyfriend again, and am still fearful of being deceived, but it has gotten significantly better. He doesn't know I have these thoughts and that time in our relationship is still a touchy topic to discuss.

Am I just being my usual people-pleasing self by trying to convince myself that a polyamorous relationship between us is possible? What advice would you give to someone who is considering becoming polyamorous?

Curiouser & Curiouser...

Hey Curiouser:

The advice I would give someone considering becoming polyamorous is different for every person. It depends on their reasons for thinking it is a lifestyle that would work for them. You seem a very patient person, and that’s important for the polyamorous. You also ask a really good question at the end of your letter, about being a people pleaser. Only you can decide, but this is what worries me about your story:

You use passive phrasing, “he wound up dating around” as opposed to “he chose to date around”. That’s something people tend to do when they are trying to distance the person from the act. He didn’t “wind up” doing anything, he made a choice to see other women and lie about it repeatedly.

You say “I refuse to tolerate dishonesty and deceit.” and yet you tolerated it. You made a choice to continue a relationship with someone who lied to you and deceived you. When you say you won’t tolerate something in relationship and then you accept it, it’s very hard to trust your partner, but it’s harder to trust yourself. You made a rule to keep yourself safe, and you allowed that rule to be broken. Until you can trust yourself to stand by your rules, you can’t trust anyone else to.

Your partner’s excuse for what he did was that he wanted to “quickly try and get everything out of his system”. Yuck. Did you really buy that? If so I have a bridge for sale in Brooklyn. Make me an offer. I’m looking to sell fast.
“I’m so crazy about you I HAVE to fool around with other women so I can get hot and heavy with you.” Be right back. Going to barf.

Okay I'm back. You say, “I know things can change at any point.” This has me imagining that you aren’t sure of this relationship, for obvious reasons you don’t feel secure. Maybe you think having a polyamorous relationship is better than breaking up? You don’t sound like you’re really interested polyamory so much as wanting to make sure he doesn’t get antsy. You say you might date women, though you never have dated women, “Or perhaps that we would both date the same girl.” This is another way of taking control of an otherwise scary situation. You don’t have any interest in dating men who he might find threatening. The fantasizing about him having sex with other women is easy. We fantasize about things, sensualize them, as a way of gaining control over them. The people in the fantasies aren’t real. When you fantasize about your boyfriend having sex with other women and eroticize that, it takes the power away from it. In your mind, you are him, you are her, you are you, you are in control of everything that happens. Let me promise you that when a real live breathing woman is in the room, over whom you have no actual control, it will get ALL it’s power back.

So, do I think you’re being a people pleaser? Yes.
Do I think you’re ready for a polyamorous relationship? No.
Do I think it would be a bad idea to try it out for a while with this guy? No.
I don’t think it would be a bad idea, mostly because I don’t think it would be a bad idea if this relationship tanked. It would be a good place to practice, to dip your toe in poly, because you can’t really trust this guy anyway. That’s good by the way, that you still don’t really trust him. He’s not trustworthy. If you trusted him I’d be scared for you. Being polyamorous can be scary, it’s out on the high wire emotionally. If I’m going out on the high wire with someone, I want to know I can trust that person, implicitly. If I can’t, I suppose just knowing that, really knowing it, can be a comfort of a kind. Make sure the net is big and wide because you are going to fall. If you stay in this relationship you should use condoms. If you decide to try polyamory in this relationship you should be dating other men while your boyfriend dates other women, because you’re not really into women. I’d be willing to bet your boyfriend will not tolerate you dating other men. Just a guess...

Annie Ory
Certified Whole Life Coach
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
Author, Authentic Dating

Questions for Annie? Write to her here (annie@mappinglove.com)