With Friends Like You...

Hey Annie:

I lived with my best friend and her husband for a few months after moving to their city. They were having trouble in their marriage and my friend had to go out of town for a week. While she was gone, and her husband and I were both drunk, we had sex. We talked and agreed it happened only because we were drunk. We decided never to speak of it again.

The problem is it happened again, the 2nd time we weren’t drunk and she was in town. I've since moved out and I'm reluctant to tell my friend about what happened. I think telling her will ruin her marriage and our friendship. I feel terribly guilty and cry about it when I think of it. I don’t know how I can keep her as a friend with this awful secret in my heart. Her husband doesn't want to tell her, ever. What should I do?

Want It Off My Chest...

Hey Want It:

You are not this woman’s friend. If YOU are her best friend she would be better off with no friends at all. Her husband’s sins are obvious, and she needs to know that he cheated on her. People have a right to make choices about what to do with their lives based on the reality of their actual situation as opposed to making choices based on lies and secrets. I'd bet my next paycheck you didn't use a condom. I'd bet the one after that you aren't the only person he's had unprotected sex with. She is at risk for disease as well as heartbreak. If you care about her at all you’ll tell her what you and her husband did with the full knowledge that if she has a shred of self respect she’ll dump you both. Please don’t let this poor woman stay married to a man who couldn’t go a week without her watching over him without banging her “best friend”. When you tell her, let her know that you understand she won’t want to be your friend any more and then do her the favor of removing yourself from her wrecked life.

She will have a lot of work to do personally on why the two people she was closest to in the world did the most hurtful possible thing to her and she never had a clue. This will be challenging for her, but she’ll get through it, as long as she is able to surround herself by people who will put her feelings and her needs at the forefront of their consciousness. Your only saving grace is to be found in your shame and guilt over what you did. Tell her the truth. Now.

You have a lot of work to do on yourself before you should have have a relationship in which someone will rely on you, trust you, again. You are not a trustworthy person. Alcohol is no excuse for emotionally repugnant behavior. Even your reasons for considering telling her are selfish. You feel guilty and want to tell to “get it off your chest”. Get yourself into therapy and grow up, but tell this poor woman what you did first so that she can build a life that doesn’t have you in it...

Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
http://www.mappinglove.com
Got a question for Annie? Write to me at annie@mappinglove.com