One Foot Out the Door

Hey Annie:

I am being challenged by some genuine life questions. I am not single, but am contemplating the decision of becoming so. I have separated from my wife in part by living a consultant’s life. I am home three days a week, and use those days to cover my two pre-teen kids. My dilemma is that I have grown and have developed a love of exploring life and almost everything to do with the human condition. My wife not only is not interested in any of the activities or passions I have (and chooses not to participate), but also suffers severe depression. A subset of the above is that I have come to really enjoy engaged sex. I have found partners I have truly enjoyed having sex with, and feel that is necessary for me to commit exclusively to her. Our sex life consists of infrequent sex that is far from engaged. I stay primarily out of a sense of duty and to maintain a family structure for my kids. What are your thoughts?

On The Road Again...

Hey Again:

Yeah, I get it. Depressed people aren't engaged or interested in anything. That's what it means to be depressed. Do the right thing. Get your wife into professional care for her depression if she isn't already. Insist on it, for your kids if not because you've spent a significant and meaningful part of your journey with her. If she's on meds and they aren't working, talk to her WITH her doctors about changing/upping her meds. One of the horrors of depression is that you sort of get used to everything sucking, and the medicine can feel like a Pandora's box because it comes with problems of it's own. Sex is among them. It's not unusual for someone on selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors to feel disinterested in sex or to want it but not be able to enjoy it or to orgasm. Still, a joyful engaged life without orgasm is better than a crappy, dull, exhausting life without orgasm, and the sex issue, for patients to whom it's important, can be managed on SSRIs.

Your children deserve a mother who's excited about life and engaged as much as you deserve a partner who is. Don't get me wrong, I get it, this stuff is hard. Getting a depressed person to act on their own behalf is one of the toughest assignments in human management on the planet. Do it anyway. Don't give up. As a person who seeks, enjoys and needs connection with other humans, you are responsible to some degree for the relationships you have, the people who walk the road with you.

I'm not saying don't give up on your marriage, maybe eventually that will be the thing to do, though if you're off gadflying around getting busy with more “engaged” people you likely haven't given it a fair shot. You loved this woman once, enough to promise to spend your life with her, sickness and health and all that jazz, and have two children with her. The fact that your response to her steady emotional decline is to hit the road and have affairs leaves me wondering what kind of life you expected when you said all those things. You will owe her your care and your respect forever, no matter what happens to your marriage, because she is the mother of your children and was at least once your best friend. That person isn't gone by the way, she's still in there, trapped inside a dull gray haze that makes her life joyless and dreary. Even if you divorce her, even if you marry again, don't leave your friend there alone. Give her what help you can before you walk away.

While I do believe that open marriage, polyamory, and other alternative lifestyles are a part of the menu from which we select our options in life, regardless of what society says, I also believe in authenticity and honesty. Not ONLY because it's the good and right thing to do, but because humans are happier and more fulfilled when we live according to our values and can believe we are good people. I want that for you. I hope you want it for yourself. If you're going to stay in this marriage your wife has a right to your full commitment and that means getting busy helping your partner manage her illness, and her life, a large portion of which is spent in the presence of your children. Depression is an illness, NOT a character flaw. It also means dealing directly and intentionally with the issues in your marriage. You and your wife should be in coaching or working with a gifted and caring therapist. Your wife should be receiving ongoing, 1-2 times a week, in-office treatment for her depression and this should continue until she can honestly say with a smile on her face that she and her doctors are managing it effectively. Your kids could likely use someone to talk to. Not because they’re broken, but because their parents are only halfway in their lives. Your wife has one foot in her depression and you have one out the door. The way things like this impact children are lasting, and can be easily avoided. It's confusing for them. They know something is wrong, but everything looks OK, and they aren't sophisticated enough to figure out what the problem is or how to manage it effectively. Until they reach the age of reason, the point in a person's life when they truly, finally realize that the world does not revolve around them and therefore they are not responsible for everything that happens in their world, you and your wife's problems ARE their problems. Giving them someone calm and present to talk with about this stuff would be a gift that will help them manage life. Someone they can say ANYTHING to with no consequences and who isn't personally involved. Not because there is anything wrong with them, but because who couldn't benefit from someone who cares about them, doesn't need anything from them, just wants to listen and help? I'll bet you could benefit from that too.

If, when you've done ALL of these things, you still want to stay in your marriage but have sex with other people, that's a conversation to have with your wife and with your coach/therapist, though you'd need one who's open minded. If you still want out, then you can leave knowing you didn't abandon your partner to a potentially deadly and life draining disease and your children to being her full time caregivers. You can leave knowing you did your best for her and were honest and good. You can leave with your head held high, and with the respect and admiration of your children.

I wish you all the happiness and fulfillment you deserve, and I wish the same for your family.

annie@mappinglove.com